Feelings are not to be kept secret
by KYOGAKURA
Summary: well it's angsty. a shounen-ai. and it's my favorit pairing too. read it! it's really nice.


Feelings are not to be kept secret...  
  
Summary: well... this is a shounen-ai and I won't tell you the pairing! Hmmm...and that's because I don't even know!  
  
Disclaimer: don't own it...but I wish I did...  
  
Please review this story! It will help me lighten up a bit...after a certain incident I need something to help me cheer up...  
  
This has some parts that you may have seen in some of my stories like the shooting star thing...  
  
I want to dedicate this to BUBU-chan. And to one of my teachers too.  
  
Hakkai POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Every night I watch the moon, Until sleep can claim me. And sometimes I even wish, That I can die right here and then.  
  
Cause I made a fool of myself, And everything I gained is lost once again. If only I can turn back time, I'll choose you surely and never will let go.  
  
Everyone noticed my sudden change, The smiles slowly disappeared one by one. And somehow I know you pity me, But now you let your pride take your fate.  
  
Every pain I feel, I keep it deep in me. Not wanting anyone to suffer too, And even if death claims me I'll be there, waiting...always,  
  
I sat there at the dinner table inside an inn. A usual routine for us. Sanzo hitting Goku with his fan, Gojyo flirting with the inn's waitress and me just smiling all the way. But to me something was different...I don't know why but I feel like I'm a total stranger here...something made me feel uncomfortable for some reason...  
  
You're always there...not noticing me...I always wish you would but...you already got him. Who was I to you anyway? A mere tool for this worthless journey to the west? Your personal butler? Or maybe-  
  
"Itte...nani sun dayo"  
  
"Urosai baka saru!" Sanzo yelled at the poor boy.  
  
"Hehehe! Good for you!"  
  
"Why you horny water kappa!" Retaliated the boy.  
  
And the argument begun! The boy shouts, the man yells back...it makes my ears hurt! And then a certain monk will silence them...  
  
"Maa maa! Okay guys let's get some sleep! We have a long day ahead of us you know!" I said. A smile plastered in my face. The mask that I always wore around this guys. The smile that was long gone but back again to haunt me...her memories...still haunts me...  
  
"Hakkai? What's wrong?"  
  
The boy's sweet voice broke me off my trance! I turned around the from the counter and looked at Goku.  
  
"N-nothing"  
  
"Are you sure? You don't seem well at all" he put a hand on my forehead to check my temperature. "You're not hot...do you feel cold?"  
  
"I'm alright Goku" I said smiling politely at the boy.  
  
"alright! If you say so" he ran to the single room that we rented.  
  
This was not the first time we landed up in such a situation. The last time this happened, we settled it with a card game. It was tough luck for the rest. I won, as usual. Do not ask me how I won...I just did. I myself was baffled with my ability when it comes to card games.  
  
"Ne, Gojyo, don't you see anything odd about Hakkai?" Goku asked Gojyo halfway through the stairs. I think I saw Sanzo stop for second when he heard what the boy said, or maybe it's just me?  
  
"Why'd you ask?"  
  
"Nothing in particular"  
  
We reached the room near the end of the corridor. I went in first followed by the other three. And there lay in the room is one single bed.  
  
"This time we will not settle this through a card game. I'm the one paying so the bed is mine!" declared the monk while the three of us stared at the bed.  
  
"No way! You only hold the credit card! But not the money!" Gojyo replied argumentatively at Sanzo.  
  
"Then let's settle this with one question then. Would you like to sleep on the floor and not have a hole through your skull or sleep inside a coffin six feet below the ground?" Sanzo said veins shooting out in his face.  
  
"The floor then! Who's arguing?"  
  
Then, much to my surprise, Goku already made himself comfortable on top of the bed.  
  
"Stupid baka saru!" Sanzo yelled and pushed Goku off the bed.  
  
"Huh? Wha-what happened? Is it breakfast already?" said the lad. His eyes half open and looking so innocent.  
  
"You sleep on the floor!" Sanzo said and claimed the bed for his own.  
  
"Ch!"  
  
(Inside the room)  
  
Ugh! Can't sleep!  
  
I can't sleep even just a blink. I was tossing and turning. To my right, I saw that Gojyo was sleeping like a log, with his mouth was wide open. I always wondered how the girls he bedded got through the night with him sleeping like that. Do not get me wrong. I respected and cared for Gojyo and I owed him my life but his sleeping habits just turned me off. To my left was someone like Gojyo only he has drool all over his face.  
  
Feeling restless, I carefully and slowly stood up. Sanzo was a light sleeper and I would not want to wake him up. I made my way to the small chair at the far end of the room and sat down. From where I was seated, I had a good view of the bed and its inhabitant.  
  
Sanzo...why did it have to be you? I wondered whether you noticed how cold I've become lately...how my smiles slowly disappeared...one by one. I wondered whether you realized that my affections ran deep for you, that my affections were more than what they are supposed to.  
  
I kept my feelings to myself lately...I tried to hide the fact even to myself, I fear the rejection that you would give me if you knew about this. I didn't want to admit it at first...because I thought that it was nothing. I wouldn't want to be a burden to this little journey of ours. And...  
  
I wasn't sure if you feel the same towards me. But I'm sure of one thing though...that in the bottom of your heart there is only but one person there...and that's Goku. My heart ached at the mere thought of Goku.  
  
Why?  
  
Why did I ever fall for you?  
  
When I swore I would love no other in my life?  
  
Why did I feel hatred towards Goku when I know that he didn't even know how you feel?  
  
Why do I feel betrayed?  
  
I want to curse. I want to let my frustration go. I want to tell you everything. I want you; in return, say you love me too...not Goku...My heart was overcome with pangs of jealousy. I wanted to scream as hard as I could.  
  
I felt like the whole world is against me. Everytime I'm happy there's always something I always have to give up something in return. My happiness only lasts for a short while then vanishes and I'm left with nothing again. Sometimes I jus want to die...I don't want to be here anymore...  
  
Life...what did it mean to me...  
  
Happiness? No happiness is not real...once you're happy it never lasts...some people are afraid to die...even me. Some would say it's a gift...but to me it's a worthless piece of crap...I couldn't even remember the last time I felt I was alive... when I think about it all I remember is Kana...  
  
I want to know the feeling again...those warm, light feelings that wraps around you like a blanket...it's always been hell to me...all my life...for once I want to feel warmth...ah well, dreaming's free anyway.  
  
Emptiness...that is the only thing I feel. Nothing else.  
  
I've been lucky a card games but not in my life...why didn't it go vice versa so I wouldn't be feeling like this again? Why? Why? A thousand questions to ask and there's no answer to any of them...  
  
Protect those you love...  
  
"Hakkai?"  
  
I didn't notice it was raining outside. And now I feel a hand resting on my head, I stared up and to see who it was and I was shocked to see it was Sanzo. I held his hand attempting to let it go but it was hard. I wanted it that way. He took off his hand and looked at me.  
  
"Couldn't sleep too?" he said while lighting his cigar. I stared at him too mesmerized to even reply but I overcame it and replied:  
  
"Yeah...I've been thinking"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"It hurts...so much..." Came my whispered voice.  
  
"What?" Sanzo asked. Maybe he noticed?  
  
"Sanzo...I tried really hard you know..."  
  
"What are you saying?" Yeah, like Sanzo was one to talk. He constantly thought of his late master, of how helpless he was in not being able to save him, not being able to...protect him. Sanzo lifted his gaze to stare over at me. Perhaps they were more alike then he thought.  
  
"I swore I'd never love again but...it's hard" Though the room was dark, the moon brought in some light and wide green orbs stared into impassive purple ones.  
  
"Then get over it" he just finished his cigar and was now at his second one.  
  
"It's not...that simple Sanzo..." My eyes widened when the blonde haired monk moved closer, kneeling in between my raised legs, but did nothing except lean slightly forward, placing his forehead just above my heavily beating heart.  
  
"San...zo? What?"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Sanzo...I..." Hakkai's hand twitched at his right side, his soft eyes gazing down at blonde locks just down to the left side of his face.  
  
"If you have some business elsewhere...why don't you go?"  
  
"But I want to be here." I said. My hand reaching up to place it lightly on the back of Sanzo's head. I was waiting for him tense, to back away from him, but nothing of the sort came.  
  
"You said you found another person to be in the center of your life...and I presume that it's Gojyo?"  
  
I brushed through his hair, the feel of it beneath my palms. But this was weird. This was Genjo Sanzo! He should have taken my hand off his head a long time ago! But now he's here enjoying it!  
  
"Yes...I love Gojyo but as a brother. No more than that, and the memory of three ago would live inside me but I have to move on...for I found it again"  
  
"Then who is it?"  
  
"I've just found it lately and it knows me but accepted me more than anybody ever would. Kana left a left a big gap but it filled it up...it gave meaning to my life again and it is...here"  
  
"And I conclude that this it would be me?"  
  
"Yes Sanzo...you are...I'm sorry for having fallen in love with you."  
  
I expected rejection at that point but it never came...I barely noticed that our faces were so near that I could feel his breath. Then before I knew wha was happening he closed the gap between us and kissed me, a long lingering kiss. He pulled off and gazed at me and I gazed at him.  
  
"Why...Sanzo?" I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't even think straight at the moment.  
  
"I just wanted you to know that I feel the same"  
  
"Sanzo..." I was so happy at that moment! I felt like I was alive but a thought kept in the back of my mind kept on telling me something. What if this monk found someone else?  
  
"Hakkai?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Tadaima..." the monk said in a half-whisper.  
  
"Thank you Sanzo" we went to sleep with a smile on my face. But little did I know that someone was watching us.  
  
Gojyo's POV  
  
At last! They say that to each other!  
  
I thought as I stared at Hakkai and Sanzo. With a big smile across my face, I felt really happy for them. I turned over and began to sleep.  
  
"It's gonna be a long day tomorrow"  
  
A new day has began, Without my fear, Now and then I'm at peace, Since he came in my life.  
  
Love that was first impossible, Far and out of reach. Fate that brought as together, The result was so well pleased.  
  
And here we walk side by side, Through the pain and sufferings. Together forever, As we journey to the west.  
  
=The end= 


End file.
